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The Subterranean: ‘Absolutely Anything’ bad, tired Python

(Review of Absolutely Anything) one star out of five stars

Currently available for rent or streaming

by Walter G. Tarrow

Absolutely anything? More like absolutely awful.

Woof! What a dog! And I’m not talking about Dennis the dog voiced by Robin Williams. Which was also tragic, given it was one of Robin’s last roles.

This movie about a school teacher, portrayed by Simon Pegg, given the power to do “absolutely anything” is so sad, and awkward, especially when you consider it was written and directed by Terry Jones with voice acting assists from his fellow Pythons.

The attempts at humour consist of a whole lot of running and stumbling and falling and sitcom slapstick. A laugh track might have helped… no, not really.

The only humour that was fresh and funny was the one scene between Pegg and the canteen lady

Simon Pegg obviously couldn’t pass up the opportunity to be with the legendary MP troop, but if only it could have been in a project that was even remotely funny. And poor Kate Beckinsale. At least she has her vampire franchise…

Rob Riggle was brought aboard, obviously, to be the ugly annoying American. And he succeeds in that regard. In fact, the central plot device of an earthling being able to do absolutely anything as a test for whether or not Earth is to be destroyed would have been better put in his hand than Pegg’s.

And that’s where this film is a cosmic fail because this pitiful rehash of such predecessors as The Man Who Could Work Miracles and Bruce Almighty has a truly stupid man wielding the power.

The five aliens pontificate in antiquated Pythonese with tired tropes and retread jokes. And the tiny twist at the end is embarrassing.

Amongst all of this dreck, at least Eddie Izzard delivers his lines with dignity and panache. I’d like to see a series about the school with Izzard and the canteen lady as recurring characters.

So many weak plot devices. His power is introduced when, out of the clear blue, his colleague asks him what he would do if he could do absolutely anything. Really?

And how did the turds close the bathroom door? And why would I even ask such a question? That’s how bad this movie is.

I really wasn’t planning on writing and ranting this much at all, but I’ve been a fan of the Pythons for more than 40 years. Hell, The Meaning of Life will always be one of my top five. But this movie hurt.

Well, at least I got to see Simon’s butt crack. Ewwww

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