by Amy Kerr Hardin

Wednesday’s mail revealed a large envelope with a stars and stripes stamp affixed in the upper right, addressed to me from none other than Donald J. Trump. He wants me to help him make American Great Again — a feat which apparently can only be achieved through my completion of a short survey, plus a small donation, both courtesy of a postage-paid envelope (more on that envelope in a moment.)

Trump, who initially claimed he would use millions of his own vast personal wealth to finance his campaign, is now clearly in full-on fundraising mode. Yep, he couldn’t even keep his first campaign promise.

He’s gaming the campaign finance system in a way not seen before in American politics. As we already know, a good portion of Trump’s reported spending is being funneled right back into his various business ventures — all perfectly legal, yet marginally ethical. Under another completely legal option, candidate Trump could report his own contributions as loans to the campaign thereby allowing him to reimburse himself through funds raised from guileless supporters. If played with finesse, he could actually profit from all the campaign spending and lending.

I’m not as clever as Donald, but as a frugal person myself, I couldn’t bear to see that postage-paid envelope going to waste, so I stuffed it with a number of thoughtful items, with Mr. Trump’s specific needs in mind of course.

September 16, 2016

Dear Donald,

Thank you for mailing me the unsolicited request for a campaign contribution, along with the thoughtful inclusion of a first-class, postage-paid envelope!

In lieu of sending you money, I’ve opted to fill the return envelope with a number of helpful items intended for you and your campaign.

Please enjoy the following enclosures:

• A complimentary English Grammar for Dummies cheat sheet. You will need this bigly, and at two-pages in length, it will fit nicely, very nicely, into your very small hands.
• A Bikram Yoga brochure and class schedule. Hot yoga is just the greatest, really the greatest, way to maintain the “excellent health” of which you’ve proclaimed to Dr. Oz leaves you feeling half your age.
• A special offer for a free flu shot, again to protect your truly awesome 35-year old body — not that you would ever fall ill due to a common infection! This will be super important during the massive, truly massive, flu outbreak anticipated after you repeal Obamacare on your first day in office.
• An invitation to a Planned Parenthood Healthy Families Luncheon, just because.
• Baskets full of hugely useful coupons from various really great pharmacies: LifeStyles condoms – size: small; L’Oreal Sublime Bronze self-tanner for a subtly nuanced glow; Revlon Colorsilk haircolor – we recommend shade #45; Optic White toothpaste; L’Oreal hairspray – extra firm hold; 5-Hour Energy drinks for your low-energy friends; and of course, a blood pressure monitor just in case you miss your meds. (I considered sending you an oily fish for your cholesterol problem, but it just wouldn’t fit in the envelope.)
• And finally, two tremendously delicious recipes, really, they’re the best: one for Duck L’Orange for whatever that thing is growing on your head; and another for the best tacos — you’ll need it after you ban all those taco trucks and send all the Mexicans home.

You won’t believe how surprised, I mean hugely, bigly surprised, I was to receive your fundraising letter and survey! I hope you equally enjoy my reply.

Amy Kerr Hardin

On a slightly more serious note….

A quick perusal of the Trump survey (it’s only nine questions, with a font size and vocab worthy of a first-grade primer) reveals the candidate’s true estimation of the intelligence of his supporters. The directions for completing the form include a super-sized graphic instruction on how to properly mark a box. Then, on the flip side, he asks for a contribution with the following listed as an option:

“I can’t send a contribution today, but to help pay for the cost of processing the results of this survey, I am enclosing $15.”

Let’s hope that $15 processing fee comes with a Trump Chia Pet too. Yes, they do exist, and I too am curious as to how they might possibly train sprouts to recreate that weird swirly hairy duck effect.

The mailer was presumably vetted by the Republican National Committee, as it is financed through a joint fundraising committee between Trump and the party. A portion of the contributions are allocated to the RNC to fund down-ticket races.

The whole enterprise is genius in its simplistic appeal to the lowest electoral common denominator. First, the push-poll “survey” provides Trump supporters a means to vent (albeit through checking boxes like lab rats), followed by the linkage of the notion of having their voices being heard to their monetary contribution — its master salesmanship — if you’re a chump, a really, really huge chump.

Post Script: We learned today that Trump’s latest physical exam showed him an inch taller than previous exams — that one inch made the difference between being labeled overweight or obese. So it seems, even a manbaby can grow.