Basura: An update on Emperor Donald’s new clothes

“Life isn’t about finding ourself. Life is about creating yourself.” — George Bernard Shaw

What will the Donald wear for the big parade? It’s going to be a big one. This I can tell you. There will be tanks and rocket launchers and marching troops. Soldiers, Sailors, Marines, Airmen and Coasties will be marching, in uniform. The Commander in Chief needs to be all decked out too. He’s never served in uniform, but he is, after all, Commander in Chief.

I suppose he’ll wear some big boots. Jackboots. Shined to a high gloss. A very, very, very high gloss. Best gloss ever. Would hobnails seem a little too butch? Nah, c’mon, it’s a military parade. The biggest. The best ever. This much I can tell you. Let’s have some fun with it.

Those pesky bone spurs kept Don out of military service. Pesky indeed. First on one foot. Then, on the other foot. Then, on both feet. He never could have marched on a parade deck on those sad little feet. They were almost bad enough to keep him from skiing. I think those jackboots would feel better on his tender feet than jungle boots. Jungle boots might be bad optics, seeing as those were the boots worn in Vietnam when he was of military age.

Of course, jodhpurs are a nice look for trousers. They have the additional benefit of being more generously cut to flatter the man that needs a little extra room in the seat and thigh. They should be tan, I believe, and with a stripe on the outseam. Perhaps nice wide gold ribbons, similar to what William Rehnquist had put onto the sleeves of his robes when he was elevated to Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Rehnquist rocked those ribbons, just as Donald would rock those beribboned jodhpurs.

For a jacket, a short jacket with epaulettes, of course. I’m not sure what ribbons he’d be entitled to as Commander in Chief, but I’d think some special ones could be made. Something custom made by Medals of America, perhaps. Maybe to signify the Best President Ever Or At Least Since Abraham Lincoln.

I’m sure Duterte could get The Philippines to strike a Medal of Worldwide Leadership, and maybe Putin would come up with something for the great contributions to the sovereignty of Russia. Maybe the PGA and the NFL might want to recognize Don’s contributions to American Life. One can’t have too many medals. A sash, maybe in royal purple. We don’t see enough sashes any more, outside of beauty pageants.

He’d wear a ceremonial sword, of course. Maybe the Smithsonian could dig out something befitting the event, like George Washington’s sword. That would be a nice touch. Or one would be made just for the parade. It would have to be shiny, and really, really, really special.  

I know President Trump favors very long ties, but maybe a flowy white cravat would be a nice touch for this event. Silk, of course, and the very best silk.

 Stormy Daniels reports he favors tighty whities, but for this occasion, he might want to wear camo skivvies. No one would see them, but he’d know, underneath it all, he’d have that military thing going. No going commando for this guy. He’s a traditionalist.

Headgear would be important to the look. Let me suggest he forego the “Make America Great Again” ball cap. I don’t want to say he’s overdone that, but a fresh look might be just the thing. I think he’d look kinda nice in a helmet, Il Duce style. It worked great for Mussolini.

Is it coincidence that we see often that pose, nose up, chin thrust forward? Perhaps. He should have stars on his helmet, like on his epaulettes. How many stars for Commander in Chief? Would ten seem too many, or just right? He could have ten on his helmet, and ten on each epaulette. That’s thirty total, right?

Oh yeah. Trump bedazzles.