Basura: Perhaps we should legalize, replace our guns with flamethrowers

According to an article in the Cleveland Plain Dealer, there is interest in making flamethrowers available to private individuals.

There are a couple of companies that think it might be profitable to manufacture and sell flamethrowers. One might guess that this would be illegal, but the article reports that no one ever thought to regulate flamethrowers.

Private flamethrowers didn’t immediately strike me as a good idea — but after further review, that call has been overturned. I should be able to decide whether or not I want to purchase a flamethrower for my personal use. Do we need another government regulation?  Remember, if flamethrowers are illegal, only criminals will have flamethrowers.

I can think of some reasons why one might wish to have his own private flamethrower. Think of the advantages to the hunter. One could kill and cook a fat rabbit at the same time. I’m guessing that when you hit a bunny with a flamethrower, it takes the fight right out of him. But remember: use caution to avoid accidents with your beagle.

Applications in using a flamethrower for home defense come to mind. One needn’t be a skilled marksman to spray burning napalm on an intruder. Again, some caution is warranted, to avoid unintended damage to the dwelling.

There are plenty of other fuels that are usable if napalm isn’t readily available, but maybe it will be if there’s the demand. Dow Chemical might see the commercial possibilities selling napalm as private flamethrower use catches fire (excuse me). Think of the intimidation factor; imagine displaying a sticker displayed on the door, announcing, “This Home Protected by Flamethrower.” Most intruders (dare I say “Bad Guys?”) might move on rather risk a hot reception.

A flamethrower might be an environmentally savvy – and fun – way to deal with weeds on one’s property. Assuming no forest fires are started, of course. One needn’t be a tree hugger to be against forest fires. Remember, “Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires!”

Any time you’re spraying burning jellied gasoline, use good common sense.

I do know a little about flamethrowers, at the least the standard military model. I was trained with the flamethrower. I recall they weighed 78 pounds, loaded. The left hand would be used to operate “the match”and the right hand controlled the fuel. There were six matches used to light fuel as it sprayed from the nozzle.

We learned to be very aware of wind direction when practicing. Blistered lips and loss of brows and lashes were reminders to pay attention.

Flamethrowers were used in World War II against tanks and bunkers, and in Vietnam in applications concerning enemy tunnels.

I’m not a hunter, and I don’t have a big problem with brush or weeds. But still, I don’t like the idea having my home invaded any more than anyone else. Having said that, though, I think a flamethrower would be more than a little cumbersome, and not good for the houseplants, window treatments, or wall art — or walls.

I’ve decided; no flamethrower for me. But hand grenades – they might be a good idea. They’re not so bulky. Just sayin’.