ACHTUNG: This is not a fair and balanced story. It is an editorial by the editor.

“And you can kick the sand right back in their faces, ha!” — Vivian Stanshall, the Bonzo Dog Band, “Mr. Apollo.”

I applaud Wayland schools for having Tom Thelen come to the Fine Arts Center last month to offer tips to students who are victims of bullying. It was the second year in a row for such a program. Last year a former Michigan State University basketball player came to town on the same mission.

It’s good to observe local public school officials try to help, but I must reiterate that the problem of bullying will never be solved until we collectively understand just what bullying is. Furthermore, we have to find a way to tone down our worship of hypermasculinity and cherishing brawn over brains.

Bullying is one of society’s oldest scourges, and virtually nothing effective has ever been done about it. The problem has persisted for centuries despite such recent public relations efforts as “Be Nice” and “OK 2 Say,” which have been about as effective as the War on Drugs in preventing or halting substance abuse.

The United States for a long time has worshipped at the altar of violence and has insisted on using it as a means to resolve issues, rather than giving conflict resolution a try because it is widely viewed as wimpy. Our culture not only permits bullying, but it also encourages and exalts it. The worship of the free market and dog eat dog capitalism hasn’t been helpful.

As columnist Coleman McCarthy wrote, “If violence really solved problems, what a peaceful world we’d have.”

Perhaps the best example of a bully today is President Donald Trump, who used wealth and power to get what he wants. His rhetoric too often is threatening and narcissistic. And too many of us love it. We see him as a winner who will fight opponents with bullets, aggression and military and police might rather than with negotiations.

We Americans love it when we storm in and kick butt somewhere, but don’t say much when an ex-president (Jimmy Carter) visits Haiti to diffuse a potentially bloody situation by persuading a dictator to leave his homeland. That happened 20 years ago with little notice, no victory parade, no fanfare.

We laud the exploits of military snipers, violent leaders and ruthless soldiers, along with athletes who don’t just perform amazing feats, but beat the enemy into submission, thereby making them humiliated losers.

I suspect bullying actually is hard-wired into our DNA. It seems our attitudes are formed very early and most somehow hang on to them as long as we live.

If it’s true we’re just a higher form of animal, as Charles Darwin suggested, we understand behavior of chimpanzees, apes, lions and tigers and bears, and just about any other mammal to notice that “the weakest link” so often is identified and weeded out in that nasty process of survival of the fittest.

A lion stalking a herd of zebras will seek out what he or she believes to be the weakest and most vulnerable and select it for dinner. The weakest in a pride of lions doesn’t usually live very long.

Some studies of human behavior suggest our interactions at early ages cause us to reject those we perceive to be the physically weak and identify instead with the strong as a matter of self-preservation. We can turn so easily against those among us we see as weak, different or lacking in desirable physical qualities. Those weakest links, once identified, often are bullied in a variety of ways or cast aside once they enter junior high age, or even earlier.

“God, guns and guts kept our country free… Keep all three.” — Mural on the wall of a downtown Reed City restaurant

The most common advice for bullying victims is to fight fire with fire and give the assailant a good smacking. There are two resultant problems — you can get kicked out of school for fighting and you stand a good chance of causing physical harm to yourself.

There is a grain of wisdom in fighting back and I’ve seen a few cases in which it has seemed to work. But most often, bullying appears to be a problem without a solution. At least not until authorities understand and condemn just what bullying is.

Many of us then want school teachers, principals and staff to protect our children at risk and we customarily are not satisfied with their efforts. Yet we cheer Trump making fun of a handicapped reporter or making crude remarks about women. And we continue to love our sports heroes, even when we find out they beat their wives or play dirty to win.

We’re a lot more interested in winning on the football field or basketball court than in turning out scholars, critical thinkers or quality citizens. And we have lauded the exploits of celebrity boorish bullies like Trump, Bobby Knight, Woody Hayes, Bob White, Ted Nugent, Joe Arpagio, Mike Ditka, Bill Schuette, Vince Lombardi, George Patton…

So while I appreciate local schools making these feel-good public relations gestures to deal with an ancient problem, I believe their success will be as minimal as the 47-year failure known as the War of Drugs. As successful as the War on Smut, the War on Christmas and the War on Terror.

So before we launch these “wars,” we ought to know what the hell we’re doing. Otherwise, we’re wasting our time and efforts.

“But we’re winning the war on drugs, yes we’re winning the war on drugs. Praise the Lord and pass the bong, we’re winning the war on drugs.” — The Asylum Street Spankers