ACHTUNG: This is not a “fair and balanced” story. It’s an editorial by the editor.

“Hey ho, don’t worry. You know you can’t win. No matter who you vote for, the government always gets in.” — The Bonzo Dog Band

There’s little difference between any candidates who seek the remaining year-plus of the two-year legislative term of ex-State Rep. Cindy Gamrat.

There supposedly were eight Republicans who filed for the job from which Cindy was unceremoniously removed, including Cindy herself. The other seven are Mary Whiteford, Bill Sage, Jim Storey, James Siver, Kevin Travis and Eric DeWitt, but Shannon Szukala has dropped out.

For those who haven’t been paying attention since August, Gamrat was expelled from the State Legislature Sept. 11 because of her extra-martial affair with another legislator and charges she used public money and resources to cover it up.

Undaunted, Cindy is seeking the office again to let voters rather than colleagues decide whether or not she should continue to serve.

This special election serves as an excellent opportunity for Democrats in the 80^th District to commit mischief and mayhem by voting Nov. 3 for Gamrat. If she wins the primary, it would put Republicans in an awkward position in the general election March 8. They’d have to back someone who may not even be seated or commit the cardinal sin of supporting Democratic opponent David Gernant, a retired judge. Fascinating.

If there are no shenanigans, conventional wisdom insists this will be a battle between Whiteford and Storey. Whiteford, who finished second to Gamrat in the GOP primary in 2014, was tops in a pre-election poll with 31 percent, Gamrat had 14 percent and Storey 13%.

Whiteford, easily the most likeable of the hopefuls, also has raked in the most endorsements, notably from the affluent House of DeVos Great Lakes Education Project and the Grand Rapids Chamber of Commerce, a longtime opponent of the Gun Lake Casino.

Storey has been said to have the biggest war chest and has the support of Allegan County GOP Chairman Steve McNeal.

Whiteford and Storey promise to bring the same orthodoxy to the State Legislature that’s been seen in these parts for a long time. That orthodoxy, better understood as marching in lockstep with what party bosses and rich special interests tell them to do, very likely then will be restored.

The only way any change could take place would be if Gamrat is elected again, thereby throwing the GOP back into turmoil, or if somehow outsider Kevin Travis was chosen, despite his pro-choice stance and support for legalizing marijuana and capturing the tax revenue.

Republicans these days must pass a litmus test on “God, Guns, Guts, Gays and Abortion.” All but Travis do, and he differs only on two issues.

I don’t live in the 80^th District, but if I could go to the polls Nov. 3, I’d be tempted either to pick Travis for daring to be a little innovative or I’d go with the possibility of Gamrat and the GOP having to face the voters again in March, this time one-on-one rather than one of seven.

It sure would be interesting political theater. And it just might prompt the complacent GOP to do something about our unfair election system and gerrymandering.

“And they’re all made out of tickey-tackey and they all come out the same.” — Malvina Reynolds, “Little Boxes.”

PHOTOS:  Kevin Travis  Mary Whiteford  James Storey