“Resistance is futile.” – spoken by, among others, Jean Luc Pickard and Seven-Of-Nine from Star Trek
The word bully is, by definition, both a noun and verb. Its meaning is simple. As a noun it means a person who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate those who are weaker. As a verb it means to use strength or power to accomplish those aims.
A definition this straightforward almost seems benign, but those who have experienced bullying know it to be damaging, and to have effects that can be long-lasting, or even life-lasting.
We know that bullying can take physical or psychological form. It can produce bruises to the body and to the mind. Some of the wounds can heal, others fester and manifest themselves in repeated behaviors or lashing out, or in withdrawal into oneself. Some victims can accomplish this healing by themselves, while others require therapy to cope or overcome the damage inflicted by the bully.
Unless you’ve willfully ignored this issue, you know something about bullying. It’s as old as man and can be documented as far back as the beginning of human history, whether in oral tradition or the written word. We lament that nothing can be done about it. We look to some “other” to fix the problem. We treat it as something that has a quick fix and then hand it off to some public institution – like the schools – to make it happen.
In a recent editorial, David Young wrote “…most often, bullying appears to be a problem without a solution. At least not until authorities understand and condemn just what bullying is.”
The operative word here is “appears,” because there is a solution to bullying, albeit not an easy one. First, we have to recognize that bullying is a symptom of something deeper. In my opinion, it is common knowledge that bullying is the result of fear and self-doubt on the part of the bully. And I whole-heartedly agree with Mr. Young that no solution will be successful unless those authorities – be they sports commissioners, politicians, educators, or parents – condemn the bullying and impose consistent consequences for it, then address the underlying causes of the symptom.
Condemning bullying is not simple. It is not just the passive stating that the behavior must stop. Dealing with bullying requires a variety of approaches, each tailored to the situation. Each approach must be handled consistently and ceaselessly until the desired outcome is reached. In other words, there must be consequences to bullying behavior that are handed out fairly and repeatedly.
Conscientious parents, and most educators, already know this. They know it is time-consuming and exhausting work, like any worthwhile training. Educators, better than anyone, know that this job cannot simply be foisted upon public education to solve. It takes on-going vigilance that is a task unto itself. It can’t just be tacked on to a curriculum, or fixed by an annual, special, inspirational speaker. Sure, these can be incorporated into an overall program that addresses the problem, but the real problem runs very deep, and sometimes generations deep, in families and communities.
A fellow contributor to this publication, Ranger Rick, stated correctly in his article about bullying, “I find a bully is usually an insecure, scared wimp…”
If you were to think back to a bully you knew or were tormented by when you were a kid, you would remember a kid who, for whatever reason, doubted his own strength or control over his own life. Maybe a boy whose parents were domineering, unfairly critical, or bullies themselves, so he asserted himself by lashing out. After all, he’s just a kid, and he maybe doesn’t understand his feelings, and acts out irrationally.
If you were to think of an adult bully you have encountered, you might be thinking of someone, man or woman, who exhibited overt racist, misogynistic, anti-religious or homophobic behaviors. That person might simply have not thought through his or her discomfort with “other-ness.” It might not have been pointed out and then drilled into him or her that sexual preference is not contagious, that a certain religion is not required of everyone, that skin color doesn’t equate with intelligence, and one sex does not have any innate power over the other.
In order to overcome the irrational beliefs that contribute to bullying, a broad re-education of people needs to take place. A re-education that starts at home and is reinforced by church, school, community, local law enforcement, the media, entertainment outlets like professional sports, and politicians. A re-education that holds all of the above accountable for failure to uphold the values of fairness, tolerance, and compassion.
I am not talking about a “wimping out” of Americans. I’m talking about a strength and power that comes from within through critical thinking, intelligence, and an inner knowledge of one’s own intrinsic value and importance that does not preclude that of others. The knowledge that our moms taught us when they said that diminishing others does not elevate ourselves.
Ranger Rick espoused only one way to solve the problem of bullying. As he says his mother instructed him, go out and beat the snot out of the bully. Sure, that’s one way. I read in someone’s autobiography (can’t remember whose) that in order to cope with moving from place to place throughout his childhood, the best way to establish himself in a new school was to single out, the first day, the biggest kid on the playground, and deck him. Well, that certainly insured that no one was likely to take him on, but it also established him, right away, as the new bully in town.
It is true that it is at best difficult, and at worst, self-defeating, to use words against a bully. When I was very young, fourth or fifth grade, I had a tormentor named Bart Bale who pushed my buttons over my buck teeth. We walked the same route to and from school, four times a day, every day, and he used the time to call me Bucky Beaver (the mascot for Ipana toothpaste) and use beaver-related taunts on me until I cried. Ma suggested that I fight back with my own verbal quips, so I baited him with “Oh, look at big, tough Bart who has to pick on a girl to make himself manly!” All it got me was a physical lashing out, and he pushed me into a barberry bush that cut and stabbed me and tore my clothes. Words were ineffective. And I couldn’t take him on with a punch. The next step was simple avoidance, accompanied by a self-consciousness that lasted most of my school years.
As a former victim of “picking on,” which was the euphemism we used back in the day, I still feel guilty pleasure when a bully is “savaged” with words. There is an episode of The Big Bang Theory in which the nerds are being physically intimidated by the Neanderthal boyfriend of the girl on whom they have a crush. Leonard says to his friend Sheldon, as he is being hoisted by the neck by the Neanderthal, “Homo habilis discovering his opposable thumbs says what?” To which the Neanderthal says “What?” And Sheldon and Leonard, still intimidated by the bully who has him in his clutches, dissolve in laughter knowing they have bested the bully who doesn’t even know he’s been bested.
Yet there is still no winner here, and the problem has not been solved. The victims have maintained a shred of their dignity knowing they have something the bully has not – higher intelligence, and a big vocabulary. But the bully will continue to bully them, because they are vulnerable, and it’s the only way the bully has to lash out at something he doesn’t understand (nerds).
Bullying is a symptom of a disease. We can treat the symptom like we do with any ailment, using a temporary salve or drug. But until and unless we go to the root of the disease, fear and insecurity will continue to produce the vile pus that festers within an uneducated mind until it bursts like a boil, erupting in violent, hateful speech and action.
Ranger Rick always ends his columns with “The rotting of America from within continues.” In the case of bullying, he is correct.
But it doesn’t have to be so.
With hard work and vigilance we can at least diminish bullying.
Resistance is NOT futile.
Bullying is a bigger problem than it ever was. But we created it ourselves. We tied the hands of parents teachers and law enforcement. Most bullies are not scholars. They prey on kids who study and do well. I have a good friend who taught in wayland for 30 years. His last ten years he had 30 kids in his class, taught 15 and 15 were just there but he had to pass everyone to make the school look good. The last 15 got low paying jobs got married and had kids passing on the same values. Til we change the system it will only get worse.